Back when life was simple

In an attempt to distract myself from the wonderful day of sitting and staring this one has seemed to want to become, I started checking out the old Onion archives.

Man did that take me back. Sitting in the video room with The Song Remains the Same taped off of VH1 playing on the small television during study hall reading the week's news.

Shit. Back then, they had two offices. One in Madison and one in Boulder.... Good times.

"Some nights I'm so touched by the KidCares feature that I break down and cry in my TV dinner. I just can't get enough of those anchors!"

"Some days der ragged, emaciated bodies of ze junkies are staked up in ze back like corpses," says von Kreutzen. "But even zat has its roots in German culture!"

"When I come to schools to talk to kids about the importance of dragon safety, one of the first things I tell them is, always be sure to turn around completely if you think a dragon is stalking you,"

"Despite fully expecting to defeat the rich kids and learn something about themselves in the process, the only thing the Camp Winnepesaukee underdogs learned was that they were too poor and outmanned ever to stand a chance."

"let's say that those men were willing to risk arrest and a $110 fine for public drinking. They certainly would have taken the extra 10 seconds to make it a little less obvious by simply pouring the alcohol into a soda can or paper cup or something."