I've found that things I knew are slipping away. It saddens me, scares me. T-rex went to Tomah to visit on Friday and he told me the next evening that it sucked to see that his old high school friends were almost exclusively people he had nothing in common with. I see that myself. I occasionally run into old friends from highschool and we have nothing to say to each other. I understand why, loss of a common activity/daily ritual involving interaction, and I don't really care about that, but it is the changing that I am a little unsettled by.
I'm staring down the long barrel of this week before I get on a bus and read a U2 biography and a textbook on recording technology. I'm not sure I want to go. It up-ends my daily/weekly routine and puts me in a situation that has lots of unknown variables. After yesterday afterknoon in Chicago, I don't know if I'm really up for lots of unknown variables. (Kristin made Travis and I go to this re-sale shop up in the "gay" district. It wasn't exactly where I see myself 'being.')
My friend is moving next weekend to Minnesota. She's Travis' roommate and I've known her since the Barn Daze. Her going away party was on Saturday night and it was fun but there was a moment of sadness too. I could see us moving into different currents again and I didn't like the thought of that. I don't like the feel of that, like I've been moving in disjointed currents for a long time, spreading myself thin, and there are too many people I want to keep abreast with, too many people I feel I need to give my valuable time to, undeserved-ly in those cases (mostly), and what of the giant bluff I front? When do actually get to put that to the test? (huh, Kristin? are you calling me on it?)
But...
Such is the nature of this. This, "I don't know," anymore. I can't know. To know is to see more than is allowed without paying a price. Probably an arm or a leg, or both.
Just wait. (with bated breath)
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2 comments:
well, spent part of my lunch hour reading here. whats going on inside of you zachy? whats up? there again, it's odd, but i think i know the answer to my question. it's not difficult for me to read between your lines. in most cases.
well, lunch is over and i guess i should get out of 'this world'. to be honest, your words this time have made me sad. i feel like running off and crying somewhere close by. i don't know why really i feel like this. that is not true, i know exactly why.
*hugs*
dave
Reading your blog makes me want to punch you.
But I'm weird like that.
Gonna go out and smoke. Then come back in and read news.
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